My theme song.

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Hope?

With having to look at myself in the mirror every day, and so far to go before I begin transition, despair sets in.
Most of you know this all too well.

Then I visit probably the only reason I may ever create a reddit account, r/transtimelines.
So much hope from looking at others already starting the journey, and actually seeing the near-magical results of HRT.

Of course, then I’m jealous of all the beautiful people who are well into their transition and have to stop.

Starting out.

Welp, here I am. The me that doesn’t exist yet, at least not in the real world, as others would see me.

I’ll be writing here thoughts and rants that need more than the 140 characters of my alt-twitter account. Although it would probably be considered my primary by now, that’s where most of the activity is. The other one is mostly dormant, but that’s normal anyway.

This year has been a whirlwind – starting with the realization that yes, I am transgender, and that transition is not only possible – it’s required.
The idea of transition has never even been an option in my mind in the past, both due to how I was raised and due to the overall hostility toward LGBT+ people in the southern US.
It wasn’t until another transgender friend came out to me (well, to a lot of people really) that everything clicked.
I looked back at my life, my childhood, and I could see it all there, unconsciously repressed due to the requirement of conformity to a binary cishet norm.
For example, the last few years of high school, I joined a classical ballet troupe. My sister had been in them since early childhood, and I was always somewhat jealous. Anyhow, classes 5 days a week, intense stuff. The greatest complement I got from the other dancers, was when one of them mentioned offhandedly “Aw he’s ok, he’s one of us, one of the girls.”
Most guys would recoil and say “HELL no”, or maybe classify my acceptance as some beta-male crap. No. It was someone saying what I didn’t know I’d been waiting to hear for well over a decade.

That’s just one example. There’s a bunch. I wrote a few up for #eggmode awhile back on the twitter. Go look it up – it’s more and more stories like this one.

So now I’m here. My fiancee and I have left the South, and things are good. I’m only out to a couple of people IRL, my fiancee being one, and a good friend the other. Out online to a bunch of people, but I keep the online identies seperate.
Not outing IRL until probably about this time next year at the earliest, possibly only to a small group then as I begin transition – full outing maybe a year later after the changes start to become harder to ignore.
I want to start tomorrow. I want to tell the rest of my loved ones.

I’ve waited over two decades for this. What’s another year?

I’m terrified.